-Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
-If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
-If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
-Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
-If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.
-Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
-1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
-Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
-Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
-Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
-When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
-Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
-Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
-Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
-Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
-When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
-Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
-Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
-Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
-When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
-Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
-When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
-When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
-You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
-Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
-When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
-Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
-In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
-Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
-Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
-In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
-What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
-Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
-If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
-People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
-Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
-Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
-Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
-Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
-When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
-It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
-If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
-The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
-Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
-After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
-Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
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